promise

I know
I am your joy

I know
I am the cheerful scream
comes with the first snow

I know it hurts
and I know you miss

but
it is gonna be ok
I promise

Colors are necessary

i painted today. it looks quite abstract but i liked the result. 

everything started with red. though it was not real blood red it was most like a candy red, a bit soft and sweet. even when i poured the color on my canvas, the feeling was there, in my heart i had that passion and sort of love was there, as well as intimacy. i felt like i poured my heart there, not in a painful way but in a very obvious way of describing my feelings. 

i touched with my index finger, soft and timid.. i was afraid to spoil the pose and reality of the feelings. it was a very different experience to see my obscure feelings embodied into colors. red is not my color for most of the times. i like blue. as some other one do. after allowing red to conquer the very middle of everything with passion, love and compassion, the stage was ready for blue. blue was me, blue was the other. being one in blue, being single in blue, being blue and allowing red to sneak into us. was exciting and alarming. but i let it happen. and it happened with harmony. some of the red as well as blue, stayed pure. they were together but they were still being themselves without losing their identity. it was just like sharing a silence with some other blue. 

then yellow arrived, the color of sorrow. reminding the fear arising from confusion and complexity. But still there the blue and red are, they are there to stand against all the grief expelling from yellow.

they all greeted white. they all deserved white. they were all pure and they were all innocent. no feeling could be found guilty for its existence. life goes on thanks to all feelings, all colors, and they are all hidden in white, in purity and in tranquility. 

unfortunately there is no green. at least not yet. i dont know if there is any place for green. green the color of spring and the color of hope and may even be the color of promises. i dont know if there is any place for green. at least i dont know yet. 

----

This was written in June 2012. Today, I am again in need of my paints. I have been keeping myself busy with some doodling and zentangling but it is not the same as touching the colors and let them spill on the canvas. I like painting with my fingers. My products are generally abstract, as abstract as they can be and very far from all of the norms and rules of art. But I like it. Isn't it the main reason of art? To express yourself as freely as possible without caring if people would understand or appreciate? 

Sadly I burnt the painting I described above... in a small fireplace... in ireland. I don't regret. It was very liberating. But I am glad that I still have this text, which is less dense but still available. If I would look at that canvas right now, i would probably let my tears go. I don't like crying, unless it is for happiness. It has been a long while since I cried out of happiness. 

Breakfast at Tiffany's

It was 11 years ago when he has told me "You are like the girl at 'Breakfast at Tiffany's" with a smile and a slight amazement on his eyes. 

I haven't got what he meant at that time but now I do, after finally watching the movie till the end. 

It took me 11 years to watch a movie which I was really curious about! I can't exactly say if I postponed it so long just because I was subconsciously delaying the gratification or I was afraid to see what might be the resemblance.  I guess the latter.

As me being me, I couldn't finish the movie at one go. It took me 5 days in total and a few bottles of wine. Good thing is, I also found myself on her; not only at the beginning of the movie by being extremely messy yet still managing all the things in her life; ignorant of her affect on others but aware of her power; seeming like she doesn't care but very broken inside... but also some other funny little details such as the way she does her hair and how she changes in the car. I was also as cruel as she is and could have let the cat out under such horrible rain too! All these aside, I think what he really found similar between me and Holy, was the fear of ownership, the fear of being put into the cage of love and possession. 

It took me a crazy moment to decide to get married and difficult days to go through the procedures and to stick with my decision. When I have first told my good friend, Jim, that I was gonna marry; he has said "You? Are going to marry? This is like the Pope being Muslim!" And yes, he was right, it was such an unexpected thing on the surface but in the deep inside I have never surrendered to that sense of possession or being possessed by somebody, thus it wasn't so big. It took me more than a year to finally surrender though... I have changed in the mean time, learned to tolerate and also quit drugs and finally surrendered. And then? The guy asks at "My blueberry nights", 'What happened?' and the girl replies 'Life happened'. 

Life keeps happening... Especially when you think you know what is next; life does its show and surprises you! That's why I no more make plans for longer than a few months, maximum 3. I learned that no matter how great plan I have with how many alternatives, there is always a way that might happen to surprise or disappoint me. Then why bother?

 The end of the movie doesn't end like mine. I don't know which end is better though. 

Of course there are tons of differences between her and I. I always knew the value of people/things when I had them. I don't need to loose smthg to understand how important it is for me. And I never appreciated money let aside going after it. 

Also, there are things I still do like her... still trying to find and do the things I haven't done, be loyal to my promises, jump into the drawers, drink as much as I like... Anyway, I was a lot more like her at those times... Now I am like what? I don't know. Probably someone will tell me soon. You're like the girl at...

PS: After we broke up, he has also said "You are like Kafka's Milena for me" and I think I am still afraid to figure out how she is... 

Be good

He asked and I told. The more I told, the more confused he was. Finally he said "This is unnecessary goodness!" and I smiled. I know, I am 'unnecessarily' good. I also know this is difficult for people to understand. Actually it is very simple; if a goodness doesn't hurt/harm me, I do it.

I don't know him even for half a year, but I told him when he asked. The more he asked, the more I told; and he was surprised that I told him so much. He didn't say but I know he thought 'this much trust is dangerous'. I trust people and this is difficult for them to understand. Actually very simple; as long as I know that I can survive a betrayal, I take the risk of trusting. Surely there are times people feint me but that's how I learn people and that's how I learn how to read people. And also, I am good at surviving!

Let's make a scale of trust from 0 to 10. Majority of the people start their relation with a new person with zero trust. First few decimals of trust is gained by appearance, the next few by the accent and a few more crumbs of trust via the job you have and the content of your talk, etc. Then, in time, people develop a sense of trust of each other and say "I trust her" -  I don't know how they do this exactly: maybe if they are taken care when they were in need or a favor is done when it is asked. Well, things are different for me, you already know this by now. I give my whole trust in advance to every new person I meet. First few decimals might be lost by appearance, the next few by the accent, and a few more crumbs of trust via the job you have and the content of your talk, your choices in life and your perception/approach. Then, in time, I may say that "I don't trust this person". Meanwhile, it is possible that I get sad a few times, I may even cry, but that's ok. Because only this way I know that I am being fair and I am doing my best to see the best in the other person. Mostly, people are very surprised to see that you trust them and I think you might find this even more interesting that the majority of the people don't betray you if you show them that you trust! I am also on the side of  'giving a second chance'. Because I believe people may learn. Not change, but learn; and experience is the best way to learn something.

I know these are risky, but what isn't?

It has been a while since I have failed on reading people. So long that I don't remember when was the last time. I think this happens when you trust people, and if you are brave and strong enough to take the risks. You learn and you collect good people in your life. I know I am lucky in that sense - maybe I shouldn't call this luck as I actually earned it by many failures, especially at the beginning of the road- yet in these days I am feeling very unlucky that all of 'my' people are damn far from me right now. Well, this means... it is time to uncover some of 'my kinda people' at this time zone of the world! Challenge? Already accepted!

Dream

I feel just like the days when I first started to write this blog 7 years ago. It was the first time I met with loneliness despite I am a single child. In a new room, new city, new country, new time zone and a new continent. Loneliness was there with me by its all meanings. Now, again I am alone but this time I prefer to say that 'I'm with myself', rather than 'alone'.

The more I stay with myself, the more I write. The more I write, the clearer gets my mind. I still don't publish everything I write. But it still lets things go off my mind. As I write, I feel like a river being fed with rain. I feel like the smell after rain. I sometimes feel lost within the dark clouds, but I know rainbow is somewhere. And some where over the rainbow, the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true... 

how strange it is that I am finally living my dream which I dared to dream when I was on the other side of the rainbow... all by myself.