Over the rainbow

Everyone wants some certain things from life. I want to be happy. Whenever I want something so bad to pray for, I always pray it to happen if there is any good in it. And there are some stuff i don't even dare to pray for it... because asking for it, means there is a possibility for it to happen, and this raises my expectations from nothing to something, and i don't like to give myself (or others) any false hope.

Sometimes... when you are least expecting... one of those things that you don't dare to dream... happens to appear in front of you. You don't know what to do at first. Then you get suspicious of its reality; later you don't believe that it is happening... but it happens... you see it, feel it, touch it, smell it sometimes... you have all the proofs of it being real... and you start to believe in it. As usual with everything in life, it also has some pros and cons, some dangers and conveniences, some costs and some interest... despite you see all of these, you find a great power in you, you feel that you can tackle all the obstacles, cons, costs and dangers... after some time, this unimaginable dream becomes a part of your daily life.  You get accustomed to its existence and in time you start to see the problems too. Just like in the story of a man holding a glass of water getting tired and weak after such time that despite all he is doing was to hold a glass of water, he eventually collapses... you start to feel fed up with the tiny but persisting problems despite you have an amazing dream coming true...

What if one day comes and knowing those little problems will stay for months and years makes you so tired that you have to give up on what you found in your hands with your own will? in order to be able to stay better in shape and to be able to keep fighting with life?

The weigh of being defeated by life and giving up on your dreams that you cant even dare to dream... is heavy. I hope you will never have to to that.

Music: Ibrahim Maalouf - Beirut
Click to listen from the voice of the witch

Self-sabotage

Whenever I want something for my pleasure, I feel guilty. I have the urge to justify it either as a need or necessity. 

I am 33 years old. Living abroad since I am 24. I got married and divorced. Lived in 4 different countries, visited more than 10 countries. I had more than 10 relationships. Lost my grandfather and two uncles who were all like a father to me. Never had a sibling, but I am the eldest of grandchildren. Long story short, I lived a lot. But I still can not ask anything just for my own pleasure. I can stand up for anyone's rights, I can raise my voice for my own rights, I can do things just for fun without looking for any better reason; but I can not do things for my own pleasure without feeling guilty. 

Since I am interested in psychology I have been always aware of my self-sabotages and also suspicious that I don't think I deserve to be happy, but I wouldn't know why. Today I finally read something that could describe the situation: I was wrongly programmed by my grandmother when I was a child. 

I remember vividly; every time I wanted to buy something inessential, every time I wanted to go somewhere for fun; my grandmother would immediately say "Aren't you ashamed of yourself to ask such a thing? Your mother is working non-stop just for you and you want to spend her efforts for these redundant items? She hasn't been to a holiday for so many years in order to meet your needs and you want to entertain yourself with these silly stuff? Come back to your senses and do something useful." The definition of useful was a bit weird tough; reading books, listening classical music, doing my homework, and that was pretty much all of it. If she ever sees me painting for example, she would come and look at the canvas compassionately and if she likes what she sees, she would say "Wooow! How did you do this? Well done!" and if not "He he he! Did you miss your kindergarden days?"  Thoughtfully, this definition didn't involve any house work for example. Any time if I ever wanted to help my grandmother, she would say "Are you planning to be a housewife?" and would stop me. If she sees that I was genuinely trying to help her rather than procrastinating, then she would say "Go back to your own stuff my girl, when you leave this house you will have to do all these things anyway." 

Now when I look at my own behavioural pattern... whenever I paint or draw, I always feel the urge of creating smth nice. I never spare time for house chores until the time they become inevitable. and I never do something for myself just because I want to, definitely not without justifying to myself. 

The most recent example would be Drago Aygo. I wanted him. But the reason to buy it was because 'I need a travel pillow'. I didn't give myself the permission to buy a plush just because I liked it. And now... there is a holiday in the horizon... 1 week in San Francisco... Where I loved to every bits of it... and I am trying to justify this again. 

Nope. I will not over-think or justify by saying 'I haven't had a holiday since 2009' or 'I need a break' or 'Look at all the stuff I have been through the last 1 year.'. Nope, I will not justify this time. I will also not feel bad for going to a holiday while my best friends can not.  This time I want to do this, and I will, with no shame or regrets! Simply because I want so!