29 Eylül 2017 Cuma

Aşk olsun

Sonra soracak, tıpkı diğerleri gibi, 'neden' diye. Bile bile sorarlar. En kibar halinle cevap verdiğinde mutlaka bir 'ama' vardır diyecekleri. Aklından geçeni olduğu gibi söylesen 'gaddar' olursun, can acıtacağını bilsen bile, hak etse de karşındaki, içine sinmez. Kimseye yaranılmayan zamanlar vardır hayatta. Ne kendi içine siner söylediklerin, ne de karşındaki hak verir sana. Sen kibar olmaya çalıştıkça onlar 'hadi vursana vursana' der, sen yine de 'yok yahu ne gerek var' dersin. Nihayetinde, er ya da geç, mutlak ki bir saygısızlık ederler, zorlarlar senin de ar damarını. Kimi zaman çatlar, içine akar zehrin, kimi zaman çatlar etrafa saçılır da utanırsın insanlığından. Ama beyhude. Sen de öyle ya da böyle insan olduğunu kabul etmek zorundasın aslında. Böylesi anlarda kendi sığlığını görüp başkalarına yüksek baktığın durumlar için utanırsın. Hak etmişsindir biraz, ama öte yandan nedir ki çaresi yani? Nasıl olsa o ar damarı muhakkak bir şekilde çatlayacak diye iyice salıvermek de olmaz ki, senin içine sinmez ki.

Ne yapmalı böyle zamanlarda? Soğukkanlılığını koruyup, kibarlığı elden bırakmadan, üzecek ve acıtacak da olsa doğruyu olabildiğince çıplak söylemek gerek aslında. Ama zor. Çok zor. Bakalım... Hayrolsun derdim, hayır deme dedi bir arkadaşım. O zaman aşk olsun diyorum. Her zaman, mutlaka, bol bol olsun.

Aşk olsun.

25 Ağustos 2017 Cuma

butterflies

as if they have left their larvas
right into the middle of my eyes
tiny butterflies
and maybe from there
where all the tears come from 
that tiny hole
they somehow slided in 
and started to fly in my stomach
softly caressing the walls of my gut
with their wings

then 
days 
have gone
i couldn’t open my mouth 
couldn’t take a breath from you
it got darker 
darker in me
butterflies 
couldn’t see 
my walls

the darkness surrounded their wings
all covered by a green slime thing
couldn’t fly
couldn’t breathe
died 
in me

my gut turned into a butterfly cemetery 
and you didn’t recognise
when you did,
way later, 
tried to resurrect them 
it was late
so late
that you couldn’t find 

even the cemetery 


18 Temmuz 2017 Salı

Enough



Should we be happy with with what we have or should we keep looking?

There is no one/thing that is flawlessly perfect for you 
BUT 
you deserve better.

When should we stop looking for better, when should we settle? When we are tired or when we are happy enough? What is 'enough'? Enough is when we don't think the neighbour's grass is greener or when we know it is greener but we are still happy with ours? Enough is so much that we don't envy others despite what we have is not perfect. Enough is a trade of bads and goods, happy and sad, excited and dull. Enough is not when you wake up happy every morning, but at least, most of the mornings.


1 Haziran 2017 Perşembe

Love

When you love deep,
it hurts deep.
When you love strong,
the bond between the love pieces
get tighter and tighter.
When love holds
your heart in its hands,
you have nothing
else than surrendering.
Love hurts,
when it doesn't know.
Your heart is strangled.

Love is an important matter.
One should not take it lightly.

23 Şubat 2017 Perşembe

Difference

Is it because we got used to have everything very fast and instant that we are inclined to jump into conclusions without letting our brains spend enough time on things/events/emotions? Is it the reason why majority of the people can not distinguish the difference between anger and sadness? Is it because we are always in a hurry?

7 Şubat 2017 Salı

Strong

"You are a strong woman. I would never think you would be bothered to be left alone."

People never think I am suicidal either. People never think all the things I am expected to do are killing me. People never think I am full of insecurities and silly issues.

I am bipolar. I do not have bipolar. I AM bipolar. That's what I am. That's what I can not change. And I am learning to live with it. But it is not easy. Learning to live with it is not easy, teaching people around me how to live with me is even worse. People get scared, feel decepted, and maybe don't like me any more, who knows.

The thoughts in my mind says 'he' will not love me as much as he did at first, if he gets to know how fragile and vulnerable and depressed I am. The thoughts in my mind says that he likes me because I am strong. But am I really?

What is being strong? Is it survival or is it not taking any damage? Because I took a ton of damage but I managed to survive after each and every storm. My ship is full of holes and scratches inside; they are not visible to outsiders but if you come inside.. it is a wreckage that people would be surprised that my ship keeps carrying on despite all the holes. Yeah I got holes in my life, well I got holes in my heart, but I carry on...