Self-sabotage

Whenever I want something for my pleasure, I feel guilty. I have the urge to justify it either as a need or necessity. 

I am 33 years old. Living abroad since I am 24. I got married and divorced. Lived in 4 different countries, visited more than 10 countries. I had more than 10 relationships. Lost my grandfather and two uncles who were all like a father to me. Never had a sibling, but I am the eldest of grandchildren. Long story short, I lived a lot. But I still can not ask anything just for my own pleasure. I can stand up for anyone's rights, I can raise my voice for my own rights, I can do things just for fun without looking for any better reason; but I can not do things for my own pleasure without feeling guilty. 

Since I am interested in psychology I have been always aware of my self-sabotages and also suspicious that I don't think I deserve to be happy, but I wouldn't know why. Today I finally read something that could describe the situation: I was wrongly programmed by my grandmother when I was a child. 

I remember vividly; every time I wanted to buy something inessential, every time I wanted to go somewhere for fun; my grandmother would immediately say "Aren't you ashamed of yourself to ask such a thing? Your mother is working non-stop just for you and you want to spend her efforts for these redundant items? She hasn't been to a holiday for so many years in order to meet your needs and you want to entertain yourself with these silly stuff? Come back to your senses and do something useful." The definition of useful was a bit weird tough; reading books, listening classical music, doing my homework, and that was pretty much all of it. If she ever sees me painting for example, she would come and look at the canvas compassionately and if she likes what she sees, she would say "Wooow! How did you do this? Well done!" and if not "He he he! Did you miss your kindergarden days?"  Thoughtfully, this definition didn't involve any house work for example. Any time if I ever wanted to help my grandmother, she would say "Are you planning to be a housewife?" and would stop me. If she sees that I was genuinely trying to help her rather than procrastinating, then she would say "Go back to your own stuff my girl, when you leave this house you will have to do all these things anyway." 

Now when I look at my own behavioural pattern... whenever I paint or draw, I always feel the urge of creating smth nice. I never spare time for house chores until the time they become inevitable. and I never do something for myself just because I want to, definitely not without justifying to myself. 

The most recent example would be Drago Aygo. I wanted him. But the reason to buy it was because 'I need a travel pillow'. I didn't give myself the permission to buy a plush just because I liked it. And now... there is a holiday in the horizon... 1 week in San Francisco... Where I loved to every bits of it... and I am trying to justify this again. 

Nope. I will not over-think or justify by saying 'I haven't had a holiday since 2009' or 'I need a break' or 'Look at all the stuff I have been through the last 1 year.'. Nope, I will not justify this time. I will also not feel bad for going to a holiday while my best friends can not.  This time I want to do this, and I will, with no shame or regrets! Simply because I want so! 

Dare

Does such a thing exist; living a life without being bothered about other people in the society? If so, how come? and why can't I do that? 

It is a cliché which is told everywhere that we are social beings and social interaction is inevitable, if not needed. Then how come we are expected to mind our own business only? Sorry, but I can not mind my own business unless I have a decent number of decent people around me. What is the decent number? I don't know. I guess it depends on the degree of decency. One highly decent person might be equal to 5 semi decent ones? Heh, that's a stupid trade and probably wouldn't work. 

I'm highly annoyed with people who lies. I'm even more annoyed when people lie to themselves. I can find one reason or another when I see people lying to me. It is relatively easy to understand. One lies maybe to cover a fact which might put him into trouble, maybe because he is afraid of the consequences of his act, or maybe afraid of being judged. But when I see people lying to themselves; denying the obvious facts and ignoring their own desires - which would make them a happier person if they dare to pursue - I go crazy! I surely try to talk, try to help them understand the situation, understand themselves and try to make them feel understood - yet still not judged because of their thoughts/emotions. But the problem appears when nothing changes. I can not bare within the timescales of human psychology. Funny that I work within astronomical timescales! 

I know, my impatience and utopic level of 'not giving a f.ck to judgemental people' can be unbelievable and may be scary sometimes. And I know I can not expect the same thing from others. But what I don't get is; why not? Why not I shouldn't expect this from other people? Why do people chain themselves with the fear of not being appreciated? Why do you really care a person who directly reaches to a conclusion/decision about you without trying to understand you at all? Why do you give this power to these judgemental and harmful people? Yes, everybody wants to be recognized and loved and appreciated. But isn't the degree of decency of the judge important at this? Do you want all appreciations no matter where it comes from? And why do you want it so badly that you are willing to change/hide the real you instead of opposing the person/authority/judge and telling bravely that 'you don't care'! How come ignoring your real desires is less painful than ignoring the need of appreciation? How low is your self-esteem that you are so ready to accept that your emotions/thoughts/values are more likely to be wrong/ignored than being considered and worths recognition? When did you give up on yourself? When did you stop recognizing your emotions and thoughts? When did you surrender to the fake power of pre-set successes? and why? It doesn't have to be like this. 

I know it is difficult to be yourself. It is difficult to purify yourself from the stereotype expectations of the society. But it isn't any more painful than ignoring your own thoughts and needs and emotions. It isn't any more limiting than looking for appreciation by the-queen-of-impossible-to-satisfy. I wish you knew this. I wish you could dare to give this a try...