Sometimes there is no better way of showing your inner self than writing. It is good to share and lead the way to your inside but if you reach to a point where you are forcing someone to go deep in you... that's a dangerous point, that's where you need to stop. This is valid for everything; you can only tell people what is good/bad/real/false but you can not force them to act on it. This is life. Hard to accept but this may be one of the only truths of the life.

I wish people would really listen. I wish I could hold some people's hand and take them to a trip into my museum. I wish people could believe what I say when I say. I wish life hadn't taught so many wrong lessons to everyone.

My heart and mind is such a mess that I can not even write!

Games? No, thank you.

I am never a gamer when it comes to relationships. But sadly, some people are. They even like it so much that when you play your cards open, when you show you like them, they immediately loose their interest in you. This may sound arrogant but I feel sad for those people because I think they can never have a 100% honest relationship, 100% trust, 100% openness in their lives, ever. The moment they get it, they would loose it. 

I want my parter to know everything about me and everything in my mind; and vice versa. I want to feel so comfortable as if I live in his mind. But how can you have such a comfort if you have to play games all the time, if you have to keep some level of mysticism, if you have to stay unreachable? I want my partner to know that I am available for him at every f.cking moment and I expect him to appreciate and cherish this, instead of considering me as someone under his disposal. Surely I may have my own plans and priorities, but if he needs or wants, most of them are open for a change, because I care for him and I enjoy spending my time with him and I want to make him happy. So what part of this is too easy? Can you really think everyone is ready to make you one of their priorities and you can spare people who are open for that? If you really think so, sorry for the spoiler my friend, but you are dumb!

 

Yok

Benim çocukluğumda o vardı. Ergenliğimde, gençliğimde.
Coğrafya dersi için haritalarımı onunla birlikte çizip boyamıştım hep.
Türkçe defterimdeki yazılarılarımı o kontrol etmişti.
İlk uçurtmamı onunla uçurdum.
Kumsalda ayaklarım yanıyor diye beni sırtına alıp o taşıdı.
Efes harabelerine sırtımı dayayıp artistik pozlar verdiğimde o çekmişti fotoğraflarımı.
Konserlerime geldi ortaokuldayken ben, resim sergilerime, tiyatrolarıma ben lisedeyken, mezuniyetime üniversitede.
Harçlığımı verdi her bayramda, ve de arada fazladan, kimseye çaktırmadan.
Uzun yolda onun yanında hız yaptım arabada. O kullandığında hep şarkılar söyledim yanındaki koltukta.
İlk ciddi erkek arkadaşımı terk ettiğimde beni yanına çağırıp, emin misin dedi bana.
Yurtdışındaki eğitimimi yarıda bırakmayayım diye kaydımı yaptı, harçlığımı gönderdi.
3 aydır çıktığım adamla evlenicem dediğimde ters ters baktı ama nikahta yanımdaydı.
Güneş yanıklarıma krem de sürdü, sevdiğim o pahallı parfümü de aldı, yüksek lisans mezuniyetimi kutlamak için en sevdiğim safirden kolyeyi de o tasarladı benim için.

Hastalandı, ameliyat sonrası göremeyecek dedi doktorlar %90, görebilirken beni mutlu görsün diye hemen gidiverdim yanına 2 gün sonraki uçakla, %100 başarıyla geçti ameliyatı, sapasağlam geldi eve.
Araba kazasında ayağı kırıldı, sabaha kadar gözlem yapıp ilk soluğu onun yanında aldım, azcık topalladı ama iyileşti, kutlamamızı mantıcıda yaptık.
Sonra bir gün, ben dünyanın diğer ucundayken grip oldu. gittikçe kötüleşti... 'moralini düzgün tut' dedi doktorlar ona, ben de moralini düzeltmek için atlayıverdim ilk uçağa... 13 saatlik uçuş boyunca ona ne şebeklikler yapacağımı, ne planlar anlatacağımı düşündüm hep.

vardığımda yoktu

soğuk ve karanlık bir yerdeydi bedeni, sarıp sarmalanmış...
kaç kere çıkarttılar da gördüm onu, sopsoğuk...

ben şimdi eve telefon ediyorum ama telesekreterde onun sesi yok.
'bilgisayarda şu çalışmıyor gelince anlatacaksın bana' diyen yok.
telefonunu kurcalayıp sorular soran yok.
gittiğimde başımı göbeğine yaslayabileceğim kimsem yok.
milyonum diyip başımı okşayan yok. zaten ondan başka kimse okşamadı başımı hiç öyle.
yok yani

ben nasıl gidicem o eve, o şehre... bilmiyorum. evdekiler nasıl baş ediyorlar onun yokluğuyla... bilmiyorum. ben evi her düşündüğümde göz yaşlarım durdurulamazken eve nasıl gidicem, nasıl dik durucam, nasıl dayanıcam bilmiyorum. onun olmamasını ben bilmiyorum. bilmek istemiyorum.

Lower your expectations

Hiçbir zaman kimsenin verdiği, benim beklediğim tepki değilse, ve bunu söylediğim zaman da 'senin istediğin tepkileri veremem' ise cevap, sorun bende olmalı. Demek ki ben sevdiğim biri sıkıntılı bir anında bana döndüğünde, asıl düşüncemden şaşmamak kaydıyla ona kendisini en iyi hissettirecek cevabı bulmaya çalışmakla, ihtiyacı olan şekilde ve bulunduğu şartlar içinde söylediğimi doğru anlayacağından en emin olacağım biçimde cümleler kurmaya çabalamakla hata yapıyorum. Ya da ben doğru yapıyorum da, kötü zamanımda bana ihtiyacım olan desteği verecek kimsem yok belki de. Her durumda, yalnızlık acıtıyor.

Benim artık kimseye ve hiçbir mazerete tahammülüm kalmamış onu anladım son zamanlarda. Yalnızlık insanı hırçınlaştırıyor mu, beklentileri mi yükseltiyor yoksa aksine daha da kırılgan mı yapıyor, bilemiyorum.

Herkes sadece kendi işinin yoğun ve moralinin bozuk olduğunu düşünüyor olamaz değil mi? Olabilir mi? Ya da insanlar hala daha depresyonun ne olduğunu anlayamıyor olabilirler mi? Lüks mü geliyor acaba? Kimileri evini, işini, borcunu, ailesini ve toplumun kendisinden beklentilerini idare etmeye çalışırken kimilerinin de en büyük başarısının ev, iş, borç, aile ve toplum beklentilerinin yanı sıra, bir gün daha hayatta kalmak ve maskesini hiç çıkartmamak olması inanılır veya mümkün gelmiyor mu gerçekten?

Öyledir mutlaka. Aslında çok seviyor. Aslında öyle demek istemedi. Ama ben de niye insanlar kendi istediğim tepkiyi vermeyince bozuluyorsam? Sahte olsunlar mı istiyorum? Yok canım, samimi olurken bir yandan da anlayışlı ve hoşgörülü olmak diye bir şey mümkün olamaz ki, neler düşünüyorum.

Over the rainbow

Everyone wants some certain things from life. I want to be happy. Whenever I want something so bad to pray for, I always pray it to happen if there is any good in it. And there are some stuff i don't even dare to pray for it... because asking for it, means there is a possibility for it to happen, and this raises my expectations from nothing to something, and i don't like to give myself (or others) any false hope.

Sometimes... when you are least expecting... one of those things that you don't dare to dream... happens to appear in front of you. You don't know what to do at first. Then you get suspicious of its reality; later you don't believe that it is happening... but it happens... you see it, feel it, touch it, smell it sometimes... you have all the proofs of it being real... and you start to believe in it. As usual with everything in life, it also has some pros and cons, some dangers and conveniences, some costs and some interest... despite you see all of these, you find a great power in you, you feel that you can tackle all the obstacles, cons, costs and dangers... after some time, this unimaginable dream becomes a part of your daily life.  You get accustomed to its existence and in time you start to see the problems too. Just like in the story of a man holding a glass of water getting tired and weak after such time that despite all he is doing was to hold a glass of water, he eventually collapses... you start to feel fed up with the tiny but persisting problems despite you have an amazing dream coming true...

What if one day comes and knowing those little problems will stay for months and years makes you so tired that you have to give up on what you found in your hands with your own will? in order to be able to stay better in shape and to be able to keep fighting with life?

The weigh of being defeated by life and giving up on your dreams that you cant even dare to dream... is heavy. I hope you will never have to to that.

Music: Ibrahim Maalouf - Beirut
Click to listen from the voice of the witch

Self-sabotage

Whenever I want something for my pleasure, I feel guilty. I have the urge to justify it either as a need or necessity. 

I am 33 years old. Living abroad since I am 24. I got married and divorced. Lived in 4 different countries, visited more than 10 countries. I had more than 10 relationships. Lost my grandfather and two uncles who were all like a father to me. Never had a sibling, but I am the eldest of grandchildren. Long story short, I lived a lot. But I still can not ask anything just for my own pleasure. I can stand up for anyone's rights, I can raise my voice for my own rights, I can do things just for fun without looking for any better reason; but I can not do things for my own pleasure without feeling guilty. 

Since I am interested in psychology I have been always aware of my self-sabotages and also suspicious that I don't think I deserve to be happy, but I wouldn't know why. Today I finally read something that could describe the situation: I was wrongly programmed by my grandmother when I was a child. 

I remember vividly; every time I wanted to buy something inessential, every time I wanted to go somewhere for fun; my grandmother would immediately say "Aren't you ashamed of yourself to ask such a thing? Your mother is working non-stop just for you and you want to spend her efforts for these redundant items? She hasn't been to a holiday for so many years in order to meet your needs and you want to entertain yourself with these silly stuff? Come back to your senses and do something useful." The definition of useful was a bit weird tough; reading books, listening classical music, doing my homework, and that was pretty much all of it. If she ever sees me painting for example, she would come and look at the canvas compassionately and if she likes what she sees, she would say "Wooow! How did you do this? Well done!" and if not "He he he! Did you miss your kindergarden days?"  Thoughtfully, this definition didn't involve any house work for example. Any time if I ever wanted to help my grandmother, she would say "Are you planning to be a housewife?" and would stop me. If she sees that I was genuinely trying to help her rather than procrastinating, then she would say "Go back to your own stuff my girl, when you leave this house you will have to do all these things anyway." 

Now when I look at my own behavioural pattern... whenever I paint or draw, I always feel the urge of creating smth nice. I never spare time for house chores until the time they become inevitable. and I never do something for myself just because I want to, definitely not without justifying to myself. 

The most recent example would be Drago Aygo. I wanted him. But the reason to buy it was because 'I need a travel pillow'. I didn't give myself the permission to buy a plush just because I liked it. And now... there is a holiday in the horizon... 1 week in San Francisco... Where I loved to every bits of it... and I am trying to justify this again. 

Nope. I will not over-think or justify by saying 'I haven't had a holiday since 2009' or 'I need a break' or 'Look at all the stuff I have been through the last 1 year.'. Nope, I will not justify this time. I will also not feel bad for going to a holiday while my best friends can not.  This time I want to do this, and I will, with no shame or regrets! Simply because I want so! 

Board game night and UEFA 2016 EURO

Dear ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the dream world of your witch. It is not very common to find her dreaming, yet here we caught the chance this time.

After spending a day at work, maybe staying an extra couple of hours to finish the little stuff that has been put off all week, finally she takes the bus (car would be preferred but she is being as least demanding as possible) and reaches home. Enjoys herself half a glass of rose while playing with her cats on the couch for 15 mins, then takes a quick shower, gets ready and leaves for the dinner to meet him.

By the time she is out of the house, he is about to arrive to pick her by his car (it is the best if at least one of them has a car, because you know, at weekends, they would like to drive around; some time after midnight randomly they may want to go for a drive and have an ice cream and sing in the car...). They go to one of the casual places in town, have a simple dinner while catching up and then head to the game cafe to meet with others. She usually likes to host the friends but today is a day to spend out because both of them were very messy through the whole week and they don't want to stress out for cleaning up and all. They spend a nice night at the board game cafe until the place shuts down, and then they all (or most of them) go to a place for some midnight snacks and drinking.

With the good company, food and drinks, both are happily elevated... so much that when they remember it is the day of match for the team which they support, they ignore the mess in the house and invite the core group of friends to watch the game at their place all together, with the drinks and some popcorn. By the time they arrive home, the game has already started; friends turn on the TV and sat, she quickly brings some drinks, he goes and makes some pop corn enough for everyone and they watch the game with jokes and all the silly fun that can possibly happen. As usual, cats are freaked out by other people and hiding at their corners.

When the game is over it is 6am... some prefers to go home, some are ok to sleep on the couch. They all ooze until noon next day. Whoever gets up at first, tidies up the mess a little bit and makes enough noise to wake up the others. Breakfast is prepared all together, and a nice big table is set for all.


Well... the dream may go on... but as further as it goes it becomes more and more impossible. Despite she knows she can be happy and can have this life in any country, as long as she has the job she likes and the guy she loves... hence she is ready to move anywhere on Earth... these days seem very far and unreachable right now... but we may never know what life is preparing for her... fingers crossed, right? ;)

hasret

2 tane kedim var, 7/24 internetten yayın yapabilecek gece görüşü olan internetten yönlendirilebilen kamera da var ama ben yine de kendimi yalnız hissedince ancak googledan live cat webcam yazıp önüme ne gelirse onu izliyorum. Ya da zibilyon tane anı ve umutla dolu telefondaki fotoğraf arşivi arasından çıkacak bir kaç videodan medet... Ne güzelsin sen hayat... ne güzel öğretiyorsun yalnızlığı, acıyı, aldanmayı ve ayağa kalkmayı... ne güzel öğretiyorsun!

Single

It has been exactly one month since I am officially single.

~ ~ ~ Time flies ~ ~ ~ 

Getting slowly back to life... Again making some mistakes... some mistakes which I have made 10 years ago, some mistakes because I forgot the rules and some mistakes because I still have some hope. As the poet says... Resistance is due to hope. If I am still alive in this gutterly world, this is because I still have hope. We all do actually, don't we?

Eksik

3 yıl önce ile bugün arasında tek bir benzerlik var. Demek ki bu ağrıların sebebi o. Mantığım ve kalbimin çelişmesine bir de bilinçaltımın çekiştirmeleri eklenince vücut dayanamaz hale geliyor demek ki.