primitive feelings...

I don't even remember when was the last time i got jealous... What a stupid, nonsense and illogical feeling is this! Has a puke color with greens and oranges... I'd always assign these colors with freshness but this time... this time these colors are bright; not in the sense of freshness but like a neon light in a disco..kinda cheap and shabby. And after some times passed over the first strong wind of the jealousy, it gets such darker green and such orange...


Might jealousy be a kind of fresh feeling? Like refreshing or triggering love or pumping more love? I don't know... All I know is I don't like this stupid feeling as it's inoculating me very wild behaviors...

Eng?

I know i told that i'd write in English but i forgot this time. I really did! I realized that i wrote in Turkish after a few hours i sent the entry... I'll pay more attention.. sorry.. =(

To Do List

- Optical Observations dersinin lüzumsuz projesi için Sextractor'un çıkardığı sorunu çözmem gerek. Sonrasında da bi dolu grafik yorum işi beni bekliyor. Tam bir hammallık, düşündükçe bile sinirlerim bozuluyor. Tolgam, Gökhan ve Sinan'ın yardımlarıyla bişiyler yapmaya çalışıyorum ama bakalım ne kadar ilerleyebilicez. Sonunda "süren doldu, çok geç kaldın, biz de senin dersten kalmana karar verdik" deseler nasıl da sevinicem. Gelecek dönem belki bi kaç kişi daha alır dersi de adam gibi bi final yaparlar umudundayım.

- AQM ödevini ilk hafta yaptığım halde temize çekemediğim için vermemiştim, geçen hafta hiç bakmadım bile. Bu hafta artık kendimi toparlayıp dersi tekrar edip ödevi de yapmam gerek.

- Cosmology ödevini yapmadığım gibi uygulamasına da girmedim cuma günü. Şimdi ona çalışmaya çalışıyorum =/ Bu dönemin en keyifli derslerinden birisi aslında benim için ama gözüm yatakta birazcık uyusam diye. 1 haftadır koşuya çıkmadığım için öyle zinde kalkmıyorum. Bi de Cuma'dan beri erken kalkma özelliğimi de kaybettim, sabah 5'de yatınca insan ertesi gün erken kalkamıyor haliyle.

- Nuclear Phys. ödevlerini en azından ingilizceye tercüme edeceklerdi benim için. Ama ne asistandan ses seda var ne de dersin sitesinde bir uyarı. Asistana bi fırça maili atmam gerek...

- Vereceğimiz proje önerisi için örnek dosyaları okumam ve kendimizine uygun bi tane hazırlamam gerek. Kasım sonuna kadar süremiz var ama ne kadar erken halledersek o kadar iyi.

- Max Planck Inst. director'ı beni görmek istemiş tezimle ilgili olarak amam bu hafta izindeymiş, gelecek hafta unutmadan onu halletmem gerek mutlakaç.Bakalım erken başlamama izin verecekler mi... Vermezlerse 1 aydan fazla kalabiliyorum Türkiye'de, verirlerse de tezime erken başlamış olduğum için iyi olacak. Her iki durum da kabulüm =)

- Aralık'ta TR'ye gidince seminer vermem gerek. Bu sextractor'den bi an önce kurtulup seminerime başlamam gerek. Gerçi az çok hazır gibi ama yine de bakmam gerek yeniden.

- Gökbilim'le ilgili yeni bi proje vardı, bu koşturmaca sırasında ilgilenemedim, onunla ilgilenmek istiyorum en kısa zamanda yeniden.

- Ece bir kitaptan bahsetmiş kıyısında, Müge İplikçi'nin Kaf Dağı adlı kitabı. Biraz da The Shock Doctrine (by Naomi Klein) değinmiş. Gerçi baktım da bu isimde iki farklı kitabı var Klein'ın. İkisini de okumak gerek bence. Şimdi "İskambil Kağıtlarının Esrarı"nı okuyorum Tenay'cımın taa bi zaman önceki tavsiyesi üzerine ama bu iki kitabı da edinmem gerek.

I'm sorry...

For a few days, I've been reading a blog of a girl who is working on a press, had an awful childhood and due to this she is too lost to be saved. On the other hand there are some blogs I subscribed through my reader that tells about the cooking lessons and the problems of their dog. I sometimes really admire these people. People who are not aware of the reality on this earth, any value or any real feeling. Having that extremely expensive shoe is the dream of one of these girls and the other is getting worried about when her cooking course will end. My problems are quite stupid probably and probably they also admire my meaningless problems...

How strange that there are such people on the world... I was wondering how their parents behave them to make them so, but i guess i know after reading so much of their previous entries. Parent that are beating and raping and ignoring... But how that people became so? Were their parents also like that? It is hard to understand with a simple Aristo logic. There should be an important point i can't see. Otherwise i could easily say the whole humanity is so ignorant and self-centered. But if it would be so, how would we be and how our parents be?

I'm sorry for people
- whose only problem is to buy all those expensive marked clothes, shoes, etc.
- are sorry for not being blond
- aiming to earn more than his wife,
- trying to enlarge some parts of their body
- ...

But may be I shouldn't be sorry for all those people just because as there, on the same globe, are people
- can't see bacuse of a wrong surgery
- lost his leg in a war
- dying from hunger
- working to find diamonds
- collectiong garbages
- are murdered due to their thoughts
- cant go to school
- have to work when they are 8
- have to marry when they are 12
- have to kill his sister due to the traditions
- have to beg for their own rights
...

but may be i'm much more sorry for myself that i see these points to be sorry about besides my self-centered problems...
- managing lectures,
- trying to have an understanding of our whole universe, including the beviours of humanbeings and formation of blackholes,
- surviving in a different country,
- learning a new coding way,
- missing my people,
- being alone,
- fighting against racists,
- being strong againts all stupidly smiling people (whose brain is locating in a bit lower part of their body),
- ...

These are some of my simple, easily solvable problems and I'm getting worried for all the points i mentioned above. But the thing makes me the most sad is the people who doesn't have any idea about "what is love". Love to a lover, to a dog, to your parents, to your child, to your flowers, to the books, to rainbows, to rain, to earth, to your own body, to life... I would like be able to tell people what is love...

All I can do is to make people feel the love only if i can reach them within all their problems that covering their heart like an iron wall... I'm sorry, I'm not so patient to keep working on each of you i come across and i'm also not so strong to be able to break that wall even if i'd be patient enough... I'm sorry, really sorry... For those people...please find yourself an other witchie than me... I take all my power from my heart and if you constantly break my hearth, i can't help you. I'm sorry...

true

Some dreams are so nice that you can't believe even if they come true...